7-20-2015
“Why are you single?”
The title speaks for itself. I cannot count how many times I have been
asked by the opposite sex this question.
I recall my various answers…
“Uhhh…”*shoulder shrug*. The most popular response.
“I don’t know, you tell me?” The Smart-Alek
response.
“I don’t know, I just am.” The honest with the attempt to provide
reason, while not truly knowing reason.
“Why are you single?” Question dodging
response where one answers the question by asking the same question.
“Ask all the men who have overlooked me,
played me, or dumped me.” The low-key male bashing response.
How can a woman honestly answer that question? She does not want to place blame on others,
or make herself appear unfit for companionship. The frequently asked question
ignited a desire for the answer to this question. I began to seek it.
I am twenty-four years old. I have never had sex and I have only had one
boyfriend. I have dated men, but none
could stand the test of time. There is a
persistent pattern of giving up, walking away….rejection. The persistent pattern began to bother me. It began to eat away at my confidence. It made me second guess my character as a
woman. I began to self-evaluate. This pattern is not coincidental. Something must be wrong on my end. I first began to look at past relationships
and reflect on how I handled them. Was I
too impatient? Needy? Did I lack affection, empathy, possibly understanding? Was I too selfish, too selfless? Greedy? Ungrateful? Then I began to reflect on the men who
participated in the short lived relationships.
All of the men I entertained and dated were considered (and I agree) “good
guys” “a great catch”. These men would
too consider me “a good woman”, “classy”, “special”. Is it unorthodox for a good woman and a good
man to find compatibility and companionship?
The answer lies deeper than the physical
facts seen on the surface. The question
is why am I single. The question is not
why have a number of good men unanimously chose to reject me. It is not about them, it is about me. I needed to do some soul searching. How can one find he/she soulmate if they are
not in tune with their own soul? How does one learn the errors of their soul,
the strengths, the weaknesses, the growth, the deterioration? The next question
I asked myself is how does one discover the character of their soul? I found out that self-discovery/soul
searching is stagnant and in vain if God through Christ is not involved. Who would know me best than the One who
created me? In seeking Him I found me and
the answer to this question. The answer
lied in three scriptures that would collectively provide a truthful answer to
the question.
I have dated many men. The pursuit from men is not a rarity for
me. I’ve been blessed to have entertained
“good guys” matter of fact. The elimination
of doubt and contemplation of my character in regards to why men are attracted to
me stem from this verse. “..husbands
(men) indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your
life of holy beauty. What matters is not
your outer appearance-the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut
of your clothes- but your inner disposition, the unfading beauty of a gentle
and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” 1 Peter 3:2-5. Men, whether seeking God or not, see the
beauty in me because they are captivated, not merely attracted or lustful. Attraction and lust are closely related to
the physical while captivation is drawn by holy beauty which derives from
within. Holy beauty is free of exterior
charms and appeals that can be seen by the human eye; instead it is seen with
the heart and felt by the soul. While my
thick thighs, round bottom and thick hair may be attractive, it is not unfading
like the beauty of my spirit.
How do I know I attain a holy beauty? 1
Corinthians 7:34 confirms stating “The unmarried (single) woman cares about the
things of the Lord, that she may be holy in both body and in spirit.” Is that not what I am doing as a single
woman? Actively soul searching through
the Word of the Lord, seeking His wisdom and direction about my character. Does not active soul searching through the
Word of the Lord lend that I care about the things of the Lord? Because I do these things I am both holy in
body (maintaining my virginity/celibacy sexual purity) and spirit (holy
beauty).
The final scripture answers the question of
rejection. “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have
in common? Or what fellowship can light
have with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14.
Equally yoked. A yoke is a wooden
crosspiece that is fastened over the necks of two animals and attached to the
plow or cart they are to pull together.
It is a harness, coupling, that joins two. The two are to function as one by supporting
one another in the journey ahead. One
cannot abandon the other without abandoning itself. While yoked they are to learn one another’s
flaws. They must learn how to encourage
strengths and help correct weakness in a selfless and respectful manner. I have yet to come across the one that is suitable
to be yoked with me; this is why the men I have come across have all rejected
me. The Lord has kept me from them. In
my own doing it would be a tasking, and huge mistake to find a partner to yoke
with me. This type of compatibility and intimacy is one that only God can
ordain and sustain.
Within three scriptures and active soul
searching through Christ I now know why I am single. I am single because I am currently taken and
exclusively occupied by the Lord, as he prepares me for my blessing of holy companionship.
I ultimately belong to the Lord, and He
as my father and creator knows exactly what is best for me. Because I have acknowledged this truth, I can
whole heartedly soul search through Him in order to find my soulmate. As long as I continue to be the single woman
who cares about the things of the Lord and remain holy in body and spirit. My holy beauty that derives within will
always attract good men, but if he is not the one that the Lord has selected
for me to be yoked with he will not establish and endure longevity with me.
I no longer have to question my character in
regards to my singleness. My singleness
is not an embarrassment and is not a reflection of error in my character. It is a time of spiritual growth and maturity
in me. Once I am able learn what needs
to be learned from my Father in grand preparedness, then will he bless me with
perfection in a companion. In the meantime
I may run into rejection, but instead of elongated heartache and self-blame, I
can rest in the truth I discovered through Him.
The truth is that as long as I am actively soul searching through Him my
soulmate will arrive.
Francina
“A women’s heart should be so hidden in
God that a man has to seek Him to find her”
-Maya Angelou
I too get this question a lot. I recall initially giving attitude (lip smack, neck pop, eye roll) and being on the defense about it. Like is something wrong with me for being single? Singleness serves a purpose though. I became cognizant that I actually have personal things to attain before attempting to give myself to another person. It's only right that I do so. Not to be perfect before entering a relationship, but to firm and confident in my being. Oftentimes, I believe the words "alone" and "lonely" are used interchangeably; especially in the context of relationship status. Being alone doesn't necessarily resort to loneliness. I've come across the quote, "my alone feels so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude", this holds truth for me. I'm currently satisfied and happily single. I now chuckle whenever such a question is posed to me. Like I'm flattered, but no thank you. I've also had the opportunity to observe and analyze others in their relationships. I've found many to enter relationships prematurely, broken, unequally yolked, or for the wrong reasons. Being single has afforded me the opportunity to learn such things. Lastly, I'm 25 and have not engaged in sexual relations with any of the guys I've dealt with (yes, I even suck at giving titles to them lol but that says more about me than them). Spiritually speaking, I believe there's a soul tie that comes along with sex that I simply refuse to have on my life. It looks bad on a lot folks out there (no shade!). While I am an advocate of no premarital sex in my life (to each its own), I can say that I am more likely to break that commitment for a man that is for sure husband potential. I mean I do plan to wait though, so definitely no rush. I enjoy navigating life according to my own standards. Okay enough of me. Loved this post girl! I look forward to your future writings.
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